


what kind of love

by ylixiss



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27822205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylixiss/pseuds/ylixiss
Summary: he could fall in love with any of these boys but it's taeil's skin he wants to feel under his fingers
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Comments: 10
Kudos: 70





	what kind of love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coldasian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldasian/gifts).



taeil is a boy with chapped lips and kind eyes. donghyuck notices this on his first day when taeil is explaining to him how to make a mango-passion fruit milkshake and it’s the only thing donghyuck thinks about going home instead of the countless recipes.

donghyuck redecorates his room completely the evening before his first day at his new job. he gets rid of old drawings and notebooks, old cut up magazines and some tacky clothes that might have looked great 4 years ago but donghyuck feels no regret throwing them away, only relief. some old photos are still scattered across the wall above his computer and donghyuck cannot bring himself to take them down yet. he feels a painful kind of hope.

the stall is small but still fits two people. taeil works mainly with coffee and pastry while donghyuck tries to make milkshakes and lemonades. when donghyuck imagined his work days he thought about a cool breeze from the sea, huge tips and free strawberry lemonades. but the shade isn’t helping, donghyuck feels like his skin is peeling under the midday sun when they have the most customers, people are rude, recipes are complicated, he keeps making the same mistakes and there’s hardly any time to chat, let alone make themselves a drink.

taeil is patient. even when donghyuck spills half a bottle of salt caramel syrup, even when he forgets to add the base to every milkshake he makes, even when taeil has to talk to a very angry customer because donghyuck forgot not to add whipped cream like they’ve asked. he’s patient when donghyuck is learning how to work a small oven they make pastry in. donghyck is pretty sure he can feel his ears turn bright red when taeil says _‘no, baby, this one’_ , pointing to the right setting on the display. taeil throws this word too casually, like it doesn’t really mean anything other than a small term of endearment, in any other contexts. donghyuck feels dumb and not because he still selects the wrong setting.

his first week stretches by agonizingly slowly. he works shifts with other people and when taeil is not around he feels nervous like a child who lost his mother. but jaehyun is fun to work with and doesn’t really care if donghyuck fucks up an order. yongho hardly fits under the shade, his head constantly grazing it, jokes a lot and helps him too. by the sunday evening he manages to scratch up quite a sum of money from his tips. he’d like to spend it somewhere nice, have a drink maybe, a big meal but he has no one to go with.  
to donghyuck, it’s feels bizarre. just a few months ago he had a moderate circle of friends and now he can’t even ask his coworkers to go with him because they are not exactly his old friends or even just friends. 

just a few months ago he went to parties, hang out after school and always had someone to complain to in the evening that he has too many assignments to do. just a few months ago a boy he considered his friend gave donghyuck his first kiss. the kiss that donghyuck accepted and returned. just a few months ago everything slowly went to shit because a boy he considered his friend lied, made up a story because _he_ was too scared to face himself and now everyone thinks that donghyuck kissed mark and made everything _weird_. 

to donghyuck it always felt like a daring game, almost like gay chicken but the other way around - pretend to be straight for as long as you can. maybe donghyuck wasn’t as shrewd as he thought and he read the rules the wrong way. maybe mark was a sore loser and didn’t want to admit it.

\---

taeil doesn’t have to be patient with donghyuck anymore since he’s doing just fine with the whole menu, it’s been a month already. he even confidently covers for taeil when he has his lunch break and with a guilty ache in his heart donghyuck realizes that taeil had to give up his breaks the first week because he didn’t know how to work taeil’s station yet, he barely could work his own.

‘it’s okay, baby’ taeil responds softly when donghyuck points out this labor crime, steaming milk for a latte. donghyuck has almost gotten used to this nickname, almost.  
taeil calls everyone at work baby, it’s his thing, he even calls yongho that, ignoring the fact that yongho is almost 2 heads taller than him. 

it’s a slow monday morning, not many customers yet so they have time to chat. donghyuck wipes the counter with the espresso machine just to be closer to taeil. he bites his lips, leans on the counter with his palms and says

‘still, i should make it up to you. can i buy you a dinner?’

‘a dinner?’ taeil doesn’t sound too surprised, just curious. 

‘yes, a dinner. let’s eat something delicious.’

taeil smiles, his eyes not leaving the swirling milk in the pitcher. he puts it down, wipes the steam wand, moves the pitcher in circles to even out the milk and- oh my god, how long can he leave me without an answer? donghyuck shouts inside his head.

‘okay’ taeil looks at donghyuck, smiling ‘let’s eat something delicious.’

donghyuck could only guess how dumb and desperate he looked when he was falling for someone.

\---

yongho and taeil seem to get along very well, donghyuck notices. it’s his day off but they agreed to meet after taeil’s shift to go to a thai restaurant donghyuck kept recommending. he watches yongho chat with taeil while he’s making donghyuck an iced americano. they really talk like old friends, move around each other like old friends and touch each other like old friends. donghyuck feels a stupid kind of jealousy and he’s mature enough to admit it to himself but he’s also mature enough to hide it and smile at yongho when he hands him his drink. besides, he likes yongho and has no reason not to. but what he sees makes him feel even more desperate to become someone who talks the same way to taeil, someone who makes him laugh the same way, someone he would trust.

taeil hugs donghyuck around the shoulder as a greeting and donghyuck feels like he won a battle only he was leading.

by the time they get to the restaurant it’s got colder and darker even though it’s april already. they order so much food that they can’t see the table. donghyuck sees a new side to taeil - an excited dude who is trying thai food for the first time in his life and everything tastes amazing to him. donghyuck feels like he’s being let into a secret no one knows.

‘really, it’s your first time?’

‘you are saying it like it’s a bad thing’ taeil utters as he takes a spoonful of his pad thai. ‘it’s okay to have first times, you know?’

‘yeah, who if not me would know’ donghyuck mummbles nasally as he takes a drink from his glass. he’s lying of course, being coy in order to see taeil’s reaction, study it and dissect it.

taeil gives him a wide smile. donghyuck doesn’t know what to think of it. 

this evening donghyuck learns that taeil loves edm, hates carrots and studies music at university. as they walk back from the restaurant, donghyuck tells a story of how he got a nasty scar on his elbow that taeil noticed when he was putting his jacket on. he keeps his hands in his jeans pockets and tries to ignore how nice it feels just to bump shoulders with taeil, with someone. 

\---

by the middle of july taeil still calls him baby and donghyuck still hasn’t taken any huge steps forward. he stares lovingly when he’s drunk, but taeil doesn’t see, he hugs him from behind whenever he just feels like, even if taeil is busy making a drink, he kisses his cheek when taeil buys him a birthday present - a simple gift card. donghyuck is disjointed, because taeil is always pretty smiles and sweet scents but never donghyuck’s lingering gazes and firm touches. ( _are you always that shy? or only around me?_ taeil chuckles. _are you always that bold, donghyuck?_ ).

yongho is a calming presence in his life, a welcoming beacon of reason when donghyuck feels his most irrational. jaehyun is a strangely wise person and also someone donghyuck can laugh at without any dread. jaehyun has so much love to give no matter how reserved he seems.

somewhere between countless plastic cups of iced-coffee, milkshakes and flakes from cherry danishes donghyuck meets yuta - an exchange student who makes it a habit to stop by not just for a drink but also a chat with whomever is working the stall. he’s pensive and eloquent in an intimidating kind of way, naïve in the loveliest way. donghyuck has nothing but warm feelings for him, his stories, his countless charms and piercings. 

but it’s taeil with his simple primary colored t-shirts and beat-up jeans, his chewed lips and tiny crescents grazing the skin around his eyes when he smiles or laughs. it’s taeil’s simple, strong words, often said almost unwittingly. it’s taeil’s way of making donghyuck feel big and at the right place, it’s him giving donghyuck confidence the shreds of which he misplaced.

donghyucks mind is sore from the memory of a boy on the bike he was chasing after. they were running away after confronting some upperclassmen. he remembers the heavy droplets of rain landing of the boy’s face, he remembers how they shivered together under an old bus stop and the smell of the dirt fusing with the rain and most of all he remembers how soft the boy’s skin felt against the blaze of their touch.

now it’s him and taeil biking down the esplanade and laughing. now the sun burns his back and taeil’s fingers are snug between his and donghyuck can twist and turn around taeil, sputter cute phrases around and they can stay at the beach till it’s dark and yongho finds them with their shoes full of sand and their bodies lying idly, heads touching and hands pointing to the sky.

donghyuck wonders what does taeil see when he looks up the sky? does he see perpetual paths and blinding lights that are not really there anymore? or does he see scars that are healed and now white? what does mark see? yongho doesn’t see anything, because he looks the other way, at someone else, always the special one, always the sensible one.  
the only thing donghyuck really wants to know right now is whether the tiniest scar on taeil’s cheek feels to the touch like the grooves on the moon look. 

\---

their first kiss was everything donghyuck wanted it to be. they finished their shift and headed to the beach, nothing but a bottle of sparkling wine and taeil’s airpods to keep them company. even the setting sun burns his eyes but it highlights taeil’s cheekbones so sweetly there’s nothing donghyuck can do but sweep his fingers over taeil’s hand before leaning in and pressing a small kiss to his lips. 

taeil moves away slightly, eyes questioning. he spends some time looking down at donghyuck’s lips before kissing donghyuck back. taeil tastes of green tea mouthwash and smells of warm skin mixed with ground coffee. 

but taeil is slow and careful with what comes next. every time donghyuck touches his arm, twines their fingers or nuzzles his neck, he seems to freeze a bit, only to give donghyuck a reassuring smile that isn’t forced but feels like it is. maybe donghyuck is overthinking it. even if they hold hands, even if donghyuck hugs him and kisses his cheeks. even if taeil grins at him so genuinely, even if he hugs him back. even if everyone else sees that they are still on opposite shores.

their first time is urgent, tight and suffocating. donghyuck pushes and ruts his crotch against taeil’s, breathing loudly. they are still completely clothed but donghyuck feels like every drop of water in his cells has been replaced with something else that makes him high and horny. taeil. taeil flips them so that he’s on top of donghyuck, fitting himself perfectly between donghyuck’s loose knees and then it’s just taeil’s low grunts and donghyuck sobbing and pleading breathlessly for taeil to do something to him already. between the sloppy kisses and indulgent touches, donghyuck wriggles his hand under taeil’s t-shirt, tracing his abdomen until he reaches his nipples and taeil moans. when donghyuck’s hand clasps around his dick, he whines.

\---

what donghyuck doesn’t know is that taeil has an ugly habit of persistently going after people who cannot love him back. sicheng is straight, no matter how much taeil wanted to kiss the nape of his neck and no matter how much his heart shrinked after every rejection, no matter how much he wanted sicheng to love him back. taeil knows better than forcing people to love him, but he doesn’t know better when it comes to saving his heart from rotting. 

donghyuck doesn’t know sicheng, not personally at least. he only has a portrait of him in his mind built from yongho’s brisk stories and taeil’s distracted, sad eyes. he hates sicheng like he hated his younger brother for taking over their parents’ attention and love. 

and then sicheng comes back. donghyuck doesn’t know how or why, the only thing he knows is that taeil is not there anymore, he takes days off, doesn’t answer his messages. the memory of how he lost both a friend and a person to love and be loved by in one day was still bleeding and taeil fitted so perfectly into that wound that donghyuck just wanted to start from where it all ended but taeil had to ruin it. and the worst thing is that he’s ready to give taeil a chance again, even if taeil chooses not to take it. 

this is why yongho is serious over the phone, is serious in face to face conversations. but what does youngho know when he has a boy with feline eyes and delicate shoulders to wrap his arms around and kiss in the evenings and donghyuck doesn’t? 

donghyuck quits. yuta moves back to japan ( _is there a right time for love?_ he poses, after hugging donghyuck tightly, cryptic and fearless like everything he does). they finally confront each other. taeil says he doesn’t want to hurt donghyuck, donghyuck thinks that it’s not really true because taeil is hurting him right now. taeil feels like donghyuck trusts him too much, feels like because he’s older he’s supposed to save donghyuck from the inevitable pain he’s experienced so many times himself. he’s so preoccupied with saving face in front of someone he actually cares about, he gets confused about his own feelings. somehow, taeil doesn’t see the irony.

donghyuck hates taeil too now. 

(yongho knows that it’s not about whether taeil actually likes donghyuck or not. taeil has his reasons to be cautious around him. donghyuck is younger. donghyuck can be naïve, can be reckless, he can fall in love too easily and taeil knows it because he was exactly like that and he was burned enough times to develop an instinct, a nasty reflex. being loved doesn’t seem like an actual option anymore. his first boyfriend treated taeil like shit, his second boyfriend treated himself like shit. now taeil continues with this great tradition that he’d absorbed, avoiding real possibilities because they might hurt again, chasing unreal ones because they will hurt, again.)

the beach is no longer sunny and warm, it’s soaked with autumn rain and donghyuck is a college student now. he goes to the beach after the classes just to see the familiar stall and no taeil in sight, only jaehyun chatting up a pretty customer. donghyuck leaves, ashamed to look him in the eye.

___

it’s been less than two weeks when yongho decides that neither of them should suffer any longer. kind, caring, chivalrous yongho. donghyuck wonders how he got into this equation where the only elements are taeil and him, when there’s a beautiful boy by his side, a healthy relationship and plans to move in together. ten, donghyuck later thinks, might be the exact reason for this intervention. he converses with donghyuck as yongho drives the car and donghyuck wonders if they’ve known each other in their past lives.  
donghyuck is in front of taeil and he feels like throwing up, because taeil is so pretty, because he hasn’t seen him for so long and had started the process of coming to terms that he might never see him again, like he’d probably never see mark again. he can’t handle losing everyone like that anymore.

taeil’s eyes are vulnerable. he looks so fragile in his oversized hoodie donghyuck immediately goes to hug him and taeil breaks in his arms, whispering sorrys and i missed yous and something about being stupid but donghyuck only makes out a ‘i really want to be with you’ clearly and it’s enough for him to start breaking too.

they sleep over at yongho’s house, quiet chatter in the kitchen soothes donghyuck’s sensitive thoughts as he hugs taeil closer to him, his nose brushes against his cheek. the couch is old and loud, taeil smells of pomegranate body wash and donghyuck wants to replace all the photos above his desk. he promises himself not to blame taeil for his own mistakes as he falls asleep, rough lips against his skin and dreams behind his eyelids where his fears disappear.

**Author's Note:**

> yes, they all are gay and what about it?  
> unbetaed and short, as always
> 
> title: childish gambino - what kind of love


End file.
